I Wanted to Go There

If X is the sum of two differentiating equations
and if I didn't write the answer in my graphing calculator
and if graphing calculators served a purpose
and if one of those purposes was paying my bills 
and if I sold my graphing calculator on eBay
and if I got enough money to pay my bills
and if I spent the money on a fifth and three dimebags
and if I got drunk
and if I got stoned
and if I got stoned
and if Mr. Jones shut off the water
and if Mr. Jones shut off the electricity 
and if Mr. Jones shut off the gas
and if I got stoned
and if my parents lived in Connecticut 
and if I took a Greyhound 
and if we saw a homeless black man passed out in the road
and if the kid next to me had an Incredible Hulk blanket
and if we stopped in Triangle, Virginia 
and if we stopped in Baltimore
and if we stopped in New York 
and if my parents were gone for the weekend
and if I got stoned
and if I slept on the couch in the T.V. room
and if I got drunk
and if I broke Dad's collection of 19th-century whiskey glasses
and if my parents came home while I was looking through their closets
and if I walked a half-mile to Grandma's condo
and if Grandma asked me why the trees look so big this year
and if the trees really do look so big this year
and if we're one happy family (sure we are)
and if they build a colony on the moon in 2024
and if I wanted to go there
and if the shuttle's cost was comparable to flying from Newark to Atlanta 
and if the density of atmosphere gradually decreases as the altitude increases
and if I got sick from space travel
and if I vomited on an astronaut
and if he hit the wrong button while cleaning his boots
and if we got sucked into a vacuum 
and if 'vacuum' didn't sound so slippery
and if there was no afterlife in space
and if that idea didn't sound so bad
and if most ideas don't sound so bad
and if ideas are combinations of words
and if words are more fun than calculus
then X equals 7. 


[originally appeared in the 2007 edition of The Messenger]