We Always Managed to Have the Same Teachers

Carl didn’t see the piñata-bashing club as I cracked him with it on the back of his dome piece, knocking him out for a solid two minutes. And I didn’t see the two massive parental hands that grabbed me from behind and spanked my learing, chubby rump until I apologized to Carl, our non-offensively biracial god and the president. “Crappy birthday to you” is an understatement. Honey-bearded Jesus and George Bush 41 just kept staring at me from behind their picture frames on the plastic, Pine-Sol-colored mantel, and I wouldn’t be getting my new Super Nintendo until the following year, when the only thing anyone really wanted to play with were Stretch Saddam dolls and Branch Davidian Big Wheels. But I would be seeing a lot more of Carl. Until the next time he touched me where it smelled funny.

DO NITRATES WEEP FOR SOGGY BURRITOS?

I scarfed the promise of a latterday whatever. The blue tumor was a Michelin-starred disaster (we trust in cancer as a bull market that’s not ready for sneaker parties). Lapsed Caucasian: stop being such a shaman with “gluten’s for pussies and Chipotle promotes infant rape.” But, really, why so blue? "Insecticide forest. Insecticide for us."