Besides coma-inducing rum cider and horrific sweaters, the key to a successful holiday party is, of course, the music. A lazy host might simply throw on a David Hasselhoff or a Keith Sweat Christmas album and be done with it. But a pro understands the need for diversity -- classic rock, boy bands, the sentimental, the silly, the makeout-friendly. The best part is that you'll only need about 80 minutes of fresh holiday jams, because by that point your guests should be drooling eggnog like autistic snowmen and popping squats behind the tree. And if they aren't, you need to re-dose that cider ASAP. In no particular order, these following tunes will also help to unkill the buzz. You're welcome. (image from here.)
1. Mariah Carey / "All I Want For Christmas Is You"
This is not only one of the best things about December but also one of the catchiest songs ever recorded. This is why my girl Mariah was the unrivaled shit in the '90s. I don't care if you praise Allah, if the smoky intro and sleighbell-infused and joy-oozing beat doesn't at least make you smile, you're a horrible person and deserve only meaningless death and suffering for the rest of your Christmases and all the time. Any self-respecting playlist maker will play "All I Want" at least every four songs. 2. The Flaming Lips / "Christmas At The Zoo"
This one's a little weird, like all The Flaming Lips' stuff, but it's endearing and pleasantly quirky, and who doesn't like rescuing animals in the name of Santa. Don't worry it's not an homage to PETA. After all, PETA killed Jesus. 3. Bruce Springsteen / "Merry Christmas Baby"
This is the epitome of what I love about the Boss -- a testosterone-laced carol where everyone rocks out, gets laid, and feels nostalgic about it for years to come. I can envision myself getting into a bar fight with some knuckleheads in the Dirty Jerz while this song plays. 4. Peanuts Christmas / "Christmas Time Is Here"
This is better off played early in the evening before people get too drunk to feel genuine human emotions and only wants to blast "All I Want" on repeat.
5-6. Adam Sandler / "The Chanukah Song Parts 1 and 2"
I'm sorry my Hebrew friends, but you don't give me many party-friendly options. Barbra Streisand even sold you out and made a Christmas album. I think Matisyahu needs to take the initiative here, until then, we're left with...
7. James Taylor / "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"
This is when you a) locate the mistletoe, and b) find that random cousin that someone brought that's been chugging your death cider because she doesn't know anyone, and who desperately wants to make a bad decision. Let James do the rest. 8. Paul McCartney & Wings / "Wonderful Christmas Time"
In order to fill the one-Beatle quota, it's either this or John Lennon's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" which is about poor people and AIDS and other sad junk. No thanks.Caring about things is what New Years resolutions are for. 9. Frank Sinatra / "Winter Wonderland"
"Your Christmas spirit doesn't scare me, I've chunks of Elves like you in my stool!" - Santa10. Madonna / "Santa Baby"
This sounds like it's being sung by one of Chris Hansen's jailbait minions, but it's quite conducive to drunken grinding. 11. *NSYNC / "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays"
Don't act like this doesn't get stuck in your head every time you hear it. And check out Gary Coleman as an elf in the video, RIP.
12. South Park / "Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo"
Everyone might not be down with this timeless South Park treasure. But if you know people who don't like South Park, why are you inviting them to your holiday party?
13. Boyz II Men / "Let It Snow"
If James Taylor fails, this is your foolproof Plan B. Unless you're already passed out in your own puke under aforementioned mistletoe.14. Snoop Dogg ft. Nate Dogg / "Twas The Night Before Christmas"
After Grandma's in bed and the snitches have gone home, that's when you break out your festive 40 oz and candy-cane flavored blunt wraps! And the next three songs. 15. Afroman / "Violent Night"
16. Tha Dogg Pound / "I Wish"
Segue to standard non-holiday fare, or put "All I Want For Christmas" on repeat. Either way, you won't remember it.
